The Job Interview

I can't reprint it without copyright violation, but I think I can safely tell you about the hilarious Peter Steiner cartoon I found in my 2010 The New Yorker Dogs appointment calendar.

A balding man in a suit sits in an armchair before a fire in a lushly-appointed office. His arms and legs are crossed as he looks down and addresses the dog sitting on the carpet before him. He says, "I've told you why I need a dog. Now suppose you tell me what makes you think you might be that dog."

It reminded me of several job interviews I've had, during which I, as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as the cartoon dog, delivered monologues about what made me perfect for the job. I couldn't help imagining how one of our dogs would fare in an interview like that, so I interviewed Teddy. I will apologize in advance if I offend anybody of Eskimo or Inuit origins.

Jean: I've told you why I need an indoor dog. What makes you think you might be that dog?

Teddy: Because I'm really cute and I deserve it.

Jean: Even after you chewed the wooden base of that chair while you were waiting for this interview?

Teddy: I wouldn't have had to do that if you kept a few issues of Highlights for Puppies in your waiting room.

Jean: So you can read?

Teddy: Well, no, but I also like to chew magazines and books. It's a form of recycling, you know. And it's roughage. Everybody knows fiber is good for you. Keeps the old pooper working.

Jean: We need more poop like the Eskimos need more ice.

Teddy: I understand you have an expert pooper scooper on staff here. It's one of the things that drew me here. I'm very interested in an apprenticeship in that area.

Jean: Let me see if Mr. Georgie is available to interview you. Perhaps you could demonstrate your current skill set for him.

Teddy: No problem! I can also provide references - hmmm, where did I put that piece of paper? (he coughs up a paper spit-ball)

Jean: Spitting on the premises is strictly forbidden.

Teddy: So sorry. It won't happen again. For at least 5 minutes. Maybe 10.

Jean: Miss Meg, will you please page Mr. Georgie to the conference room?