Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Allow me to introduce myself

Dear Ms. O:

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Herr Bernard Von Püppenpüken (known as Berry to friends and family), and I understand that your fine facility is accepting applications from qualified German dogs. I am part Rottweiler and part dachshund, and while I feel that some of your previous applicants actually belong in the Washington State Canine Penitentiary, I am well known for my good deportment. I am housebroken, polite, steady, devoted, and multi-talented. For example, I will clean floors, toilet bowls, food dishes, dishwashers, and windows, and my unique size and shape make me the ideal coffee table. I believe I would set a good example for your youngest resident, Herr Weiner, and provide pleasant if not very intelligent companionship to your entire family and staff. Here is a photo of me. Please let me know when would be a good time to conduct a telephone interview.
Thank you for your kind consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
B. Von Püppenpüken
Dear Herr BVP:
While I'm sure your pedigree is flawless and you are an extremely handsome young man, as the hotel manager said to Mary and Joseph, "Sorry, no room at the Inn". Although, if you are a dog that doesn't poke and scratch when you want to be petted, your Grams and I may work out a deal or swap. How are you at keeping your beard clean? Fritzy Von Schnauzer has a terrible time cleaning his beard and often relies on Lionel Von Weiner to clean it for him! You clearly have all the brains and good looks of the your pack and that would make Zigfeld Von Schnauzer very jealous as he believes that he holds the title of most "everything" dog in our brood! And besides, Grammy would never give you up or you would have been taken to Walmart a long, long time ago! We are now busy preparing for you Grammy's arrival and the deck is only half stained! There's a lot of pressure to look your best when royalty visits! We're looking forward to it though even though Queen Grammy would rather have me out of the house at work so she can be alone with "the Germans"! I'm beginning to think she actually prefers dogs to people!
I wish you could at least come for a visit, but by the looks of you, you're not exactly "carry on" size! Thank you for sending that sweet picture though!
Auntie Lisa
Dearest Auntie Lisa,
I am very handsome, aren’t I? Grammy tells me that every day without fail. And I don’t poke or scratch when I want to be petted. No indeed! Instead, I lick. A very gentlemanly lick. And speaking of licking, I greatly enjoy cleaning other dogs. I specialize in ear wax, eye boogers, and heinies, but I’m sure I could manage Herr Fritzy’s beard as well, and that would give Herr Lionel a rest from his labors, wouldn’t it? When Herr Zigfield realizes what an easygoing fellow I am, he will be happy to share with me the Crown Princehood of the Federal Republic of Snoqualmiestadt. Being a lady of superior intelligence, you have cleverly deduced that I am not carry-on size, but Grampa says that if obese 14-year-old boys can be given two seats for the price of one, surely a well-behaved 50-pound dog can be given one seat (in first class, of course).
Your devoted servant,

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